wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
