I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
