i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
meet me or not, i'm out of control
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
