I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
