Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
where are my eyebrows?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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