My hand turned me down
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize