You were right. It hurts to walk today.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
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