I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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