Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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