My cat gives me a boner
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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