Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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