My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
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