my mouth tastes like poor choices
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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