mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
