I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
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