the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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