He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
