It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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