Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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