Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Randomize
