My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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