I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
