i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
