I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
