Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
bring money and cleavage
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
