I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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