I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
