i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize