Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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