also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
