There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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