i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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