I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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