dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
