Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize