My underwear smells like fireworks.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
