Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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