I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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