new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
