ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Randomize
