Swine flu. Run for my life!
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
we're making bets on your personal life
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
