Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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