I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I skipped work to stalk him.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
