Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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