I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
