so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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