its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
