i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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