If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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