We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
