If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
