Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
