i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
