I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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