I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
