My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
